Because Nothing Says Love Like Roller Derby
The Bachelor was back tonight with a bunch of girls wanting to:
a) Take it to the next level.
b) Prove they're here for the right reasons.
c) Get a rose, which equals a husband. Kind of.
d) Claim they hate drama, which really means they love drama.
e) All of the above.
If you guessed "option e" you win! What do you get? Another Bachelor update from Yours Truly.
We start tonight's episode with the first one on one date with Selma. They fly off to the middle of the desert where Selma tells us she doesn't do well with the heat. Twice.
Cut to Sean exclaiming, "This is amazing!"
To which Selma replies, "I feel puffy."
Complainy McGhee goes on to explain that she hates heights. And she hates climbing. And she hates the heat. The two later have a romantic dinner that does not take place on a rooftop and we learn that Selma was born in Baghdad, Iraq.
So let me get this straight, Selma. You were born in Iraq and you live in Southern California and you hate the heat? Interesting.
We also learned that Selma is from a very conservative family so she won't be giving out any on-screen kisses. I wonder how they feel about her being on the show. I guess it doesn't matter because, oddly enough, we won't see her again until the rose ceremony.
Up next, the group date! Oh, how I love a group date. And it just got turned up a notch because it involves roller derby. Nothing says love and romance like roller derby. AmIright?
So crazy Amanda has a plan to act like she knows what she's doing in order to scare everyone. But she really doesn't know what she's doing. In fact, karma comes in the form of roller skates and knocks Cray-Manda on her ass. Actually, if we're getting technical, it's on her chin. Off she goes to the hospital with her broken, crazy chin.
Cray-Manda does succeed in one thing - she happily injures her way to a sympathy card. And she completely embraces it and waves her crazy sympathy sponging flag, proudly.
And Sarah, oh, Sarah. Why do they keep endangering this poor girl! I understand the whole she can do anything even with just one arm mantra. Believe me, I do. But, seriously, throwing her off a roof and making her go through roller derby. No. Just no.
We continue on to a one on one date with Leslie beginning with a gift of beautiful diamond earrings. Jelly! She then ventures off to her Pretty Woman inspired shopping date, followed by dinner. She also gets to wear a fat, diamond necklace whilst dining and gabbing with Sean.
But, wait, Sean has decided that even though she's super cool, he doesn't have a connection. But he'll dangle the rose in front of her like a carrot only to snatch it way. He breaks the news that she isn't the chosen one, she gives the necklace back, he sends her on her way, cue the music, sad Sean drops the rose...aaaaaaand scene.
Somehow, I think Leslie will manage...
Look who's an extra on one of my favorite shows, Happy Endings.
Group date round 2! Terrible Tierra (now known as Tierrable) is having a fake break down. She starts fighting with Robyn, storms off, claims she is leaving, steals Sean away from a bikini clad Lindsay, and manages to secure a rose.
This is where it's officially confirmed. Tierra is pure EVIL! With the arch of a well waxed eye brow she has sealed her deal. In fact, thanks to my observant teenager, I have also confirmed that the dent in her forehead is, in fact, an upside down cross.
So, Tierrable secures herself a rose and her arched eye brow earns it's own Twitter profile. The rest of the girls are totally cool with this.
Oh yeah, and Robyn gets to try out her pick up line on Sean. Something about tasting chocolate. But not in the dark chocolate cacao way. At least I don't think.
So we're finally at the rose ceremony! Tierrable has her game face on and she decides to use it to fake apologize to chocolate tasting Robyn and some girl I've barely seen. Who is she? What's her story? Can I see more of her, please, and less of say...Lindsay or Sarah?
Anyway, fake awkward apologies all around, Catherine goes in for the kiss with Sean, more awkwardness - just a typical pre-rose ceremony evening.
We finally learn the only other lady going home tonight is Broken Chin Cray-Manda. And she looks like she might be casting a spell on Sean and his future love life.
Next week is double the Bachelor fun, Tierrable looks like she's prepared to bring it again, there will be more injuries in what looks like a cross between Survivor and The Bachelor.